JUNE 16, 2008

Ann,

I know you have been through a lot but I want to tell you a secret. I do not care what it takes and how we do it okay, I will take care of you for your entire life. I swear to God, we have been together for so long and it has not in anyways been easy. However, never have you left my side and I swear to you, it angers me to know what I know. I swear to you okay, I will make this up to you and I will love you and take care of you. The idea that I was duped or tricked into leaving you or the idea that you would be replaced by someone who was more suited; is distasteful. I love you so much and we have been through so much. We have literally spent our entire life together.

Baby, my love for you is so fooking strong. I still break down and I feel so terrible sometimes. Sorry for what you had to go through and sorry for some of the things I had to do to make this right or better. There were times that I was so angry I pushed things to a level that I speak in shame to you and you know what that is. Hint: they threw kids at me and threw these girls at me; I had to figure out who was behind it or if this was some stoopid dream. I pushed and I pushed as you said to figure out if this was some set up, some sting, or someone else. That is not what hurts me. What hurts me is how others see me sometimes because both I and you had to take chances. If we were not so close, it would probably destroy us. I just so love you with all my heart and I want to say or tell you, I know you were there and with me, but still. I told you I never cared what people thought about me anyhow and I cannot help if the communist hate me.

So I do not know if you worry. But I did and broke down many times wondering why you did not show up and why was I with another woman. Sometimes I cannot even tell what is real and not real. I was not lying to you about moving on and thinking you did to have a family, not lying at all. I swear to you, you are a dummy. You always do stuff that don’t make any sense and you take these chances that I want to “yell” at you for but know I really cannot. So far, I have never had one reason to be mad at you except what I said before being in prison; it was just so messed up. I was so depressed and I had no idea when I would make it out. I just gave up on everything.

Anne, I promise you, I will take care of you forever and as long as it takes okay. I swear. I cannot believe the shit you do sometimes. Oh I have a vivid memory also. So on this father’s day, I want to tell you how special you are and how much of a knockout you have become. This is just way beyond my wildest imagination as far as who you turned into. You look twice as gorgeous as you do before and I would have jumped your bones back then. You just keep amazing me and making me love you more and more. I want to show you and give it back so bad. After all that we have been through and how long we have been together. WAIT. Think about this, that is how depressed and sullen I was. I reach a point where I shut you out and blocked any memory. I still stand by what happened but I want you to understand what would drive me to that point and the pain. Oh the pain, I would have rather been shot.

Getting shot is quick and easy; this shit lingers and hits you again and again. So I promise you, I already let you down and maybe I have my right or reasons; I will tell you now, I will never ever leave you and will take care of you for the rest of my life. I lost you, you lost me, and it sucks. I do not know how it affected you or made you feel; but never worry about my love for you. As long as I have a breath in me and my cold heart has a drop of blood left, I will try my best to protect you and to take care of you. It is too bad I have nothing else to offer but love at this time; but then, do we or should we try to remember what caused us to be torn apart and what ripped your life from mine? It still hurt to think what could or would have been and how happy we would have been. I will make it up to you okay and don’t you worry at all; you made the right decision in staying or finding me. I will love you with all my heart and every breath of my life my love for the rest of our aching life. If you doubt me, then I might “hurt” you. ;-(

I cannot take away the things that happened to us or the things that were done to hurt us; but I can give you what you want in life and love you unlike any other human being which breaths a breathe into you. You are free around me and I will be the man I have always promised you. I swear to god, you do not have to worry about anything okay. You know how real that is.

Why am I telling you this? You already know everything…
Call me okay,
I love you Ann
Alex